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Diet Pills, STD's and You: A Children's Story  Some of you may have been wondering about my article’s absence in last week’s paper, and fear not, for I have an explanation. I’ve been writing columns and articles for The Pacifi can for almost three years at this point, and you know what? Finding something to write about, satirize, or offer humorous observations about week after week is a fairly tough thing to do, and when faced with anonymous criticisms, I felt that it was a sign that I was running out of material, so I took a much deserved break.
For those of you who have continually opened up the newspaper to read my article, which hopefully has made you crack a smile or two, I thank you for sticking by me.
And for those who would prefer to anonymously criticize instead of enjoy, that’s your prerogative. Just remember, it’s a humor column. Now with the formalities out of the way, let’s move onto more interesting topics. I was watching the ol’ television the other night, and I found that my eyes were assaulted with an onslaught of bad late night television advertisements, hawking all sorts of ridiculous merchandise like “fast acting diet pills!” It made me realize how much these ads prey on people’s insecurities. I mean, they make huge blanket statements like, “Are you a female in between the ages of 14 and 70? Do you happen to weigh more than 50 pounds? You may very well be overweight! Try our new and improved, physician tested (FDA not approved) diet pill, fatty!” And of course the name of the diet pills either has to sound like a bad teenage comedy (Stacker! Stacker 2!), a painful surgical procedure (Hydroxycut anyone? Trimspa?), or in the case of the infamously deadly diet pill Fen-Phen, a little Asian child. I wouldn’t be surprised if these diet pill ads started doing promotional crossovers with other companies within the same commercial, “…and for those of you in between the ages of 14 and 70 who don’t weigh over 50 pounds, eat at Burger King! You don’t want people to laugh at your bony ass, do you?” The television is truly a cruel invention. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if life resembled what you saw on television, movies, or what you read in books? I’ve pondered this, and I posed an even better question, what if college was like a Choose- Your-Own-Adventure book that we read when we were young? Imagine what that would be like, “You have been drinking throughout the night, and you have to urinate. If you decide to urinate on the RA’s door turn to page 34, if you decide to use the toilet like a civilized human being turn to page 67.” Of course, this being the College edition, “Page 34: You are in jail. Please start over.” You could apply this to every aspect of college life! “You have been partying over at your friend’s place, and this fairly attractive person makes their way over to your side of the couch. They seductively whisper that you should leave the party with them so they can “play with your joystick” although in your inebriated state you misunderstand the statement and believe that they are inexplicably challenging you to a game of Frogger on your Atari. If you decide to go back to their place go to page 23. If you decide to take them back to your place, go to page 78.” “Congratulations! Either way, you now have genital warts!” I guess everyone’s a winner in the Choose-Your- Own-Adventure College series. Unless of course you have genital warts.
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Lifestyles 
