|
Superman's Cologne Known cause of Eye Irritation  Well, ladies and gents, I’m back. For those who have been reading my article for the past years, let me tell you, I’m glad you’ve stuck with me and I hope you continue to read and support me. Now for you little freshmen who are reading this column for the first time, you are in for quite a ride. Week after week I will try to bring a little bit of laughter into your lives, whether it’s from topical commentary about the diet inducing state of the dining hall, sarcastic criticism about celebrity mishaps, or hell, maybe a little bit of both. Anyways, let’s get down to the nitty gritty of it all shall we?
Attention freshmen, notably the males, it has come to my attention that there has been some abuse of this fragrance, known as “Axe”, among many of you. First off, it is barely a real body spray, and it’s meant to be used in sparse amounts. Yet it is these same people that have somehow confused “body spray” with “showering.” I blame all of this on their advertising campaign, “The Axe Effect.” If you aren’t familiar with their commercials, the basic idea is that if you wear Axe, women everywhere will want to have sex with you. Now, I used Axe once and was almost smothered by all the women jumping on me. Really. Never again. It’s not worth it. Their advertising does not lie. But seriously you guys, Axe is like a potpourri explosion in your nose, and it’s the Safeway Select Cola of cologne. Just say no.
For many college students, drinking is a time honored tradition to kill time and brain cells in a convenient bottle sized package. But far too often as I sit in my office in the Southwest courtyard do I see young intoxicated freshmen stumbling around trying their damndest not to face plant into a wall. Everyone can be sympathetic to this right? I mean how many of you have walked through a screen door thinking that it was open? Except of course in this case, it’s less a screen door and more of a large immovable wall. Either way, here are a few lessons for the uninformed.
1. Drinking does not make you a superhero. Read that sentence again and read it well, no matter how “totallllllly wasted” you are, you cannot punch through a brick wall, you cannot survive jumping off buildings, and you definitely cannot outrun a cop. As a consolation prize however, when you are indulging in beverages of alcoholic nature, you do receive some superpowers, so to say.
First is teleportation.
When you are drunk you are able to teleport anywhere, all you have to do is think about it. “Hey you guys, when are we going to Viva?” And poof, you’re there with a burrito in your hand. “Aww, I don’t feel too good.” Next thing you know your face deep in a toilet.
Do not abuse the power of teleportation or you may wake up the next morning wondering, “Where am I?” If the answer is “jail” then I’m sorry, the only power that is going to save you is the one of attorney. The second superpower that alcohol grants you is the power of time travel.
After your tenth shot of plastic bottle vodka, ten minutes in the bathroom may seem like four hours, and nine hours passed out on a couch may seem like thirty seconds. There are of course the more infamous superheroes such as Projectile-Vomit Man, Skip-and-Break-Your-Ankle Girl, and Slut Ranger, defender of all that is good and naked in the world. Don’t be those people.
2. Partying with glasses on is way better than wearing your contact lenses. For the visually impaired, I’m sure you already know what I’m talking about. The image of a drunk staggering back and forth in front of a mirror while repeatedly poking their eyeball trying to get their contacts out is far too funny to me. The real kicker is if the contact lens fell out after the first two tries, yet in their drunken stupor they continued to stand in front of the mirror just poking their eye to their hearts content, only to find in the morning that their contact didn’t even make it back into the container. And all that remained was a little shriveled lens on the countertop to forever commemorate their moment utter retardation.
And that’s all folks.
Views: 319
|
Lifestyles 
