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Pac-man: A True Guitar Hero First off, I would like to apologize for my leave of absence in last week’s newspaper. While I would like you to believe that it was because I was hunting wild wildebeests in the Serengeti, or exploring uncharted waters off the southern coast of Alaska, or perhaps even mud-wrestling crocodiles for money, the reality of it is that I was celebrating Halloween. So tough cookies.
 Now that we’re done with all the formalities, I would like to bring to your attention that on Tuesday, November 7th , Guitar Hero II hit the shelves in every video game retailer in the nation. For those unfamiliar with the game, imagine DDR, except it’s played on a plastic guitar. It allows you to feel like a rock star, jamming along to all of your favorite guitar riffs from Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” to Gun’s N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child of Mine,” all in the embarrassment-free confines of your living room. That’s cool and all, but part of me wonders what it would be like if they made a video game that truly captures the essence of being a rock star. It could be like a “Choose your own adventure” game.
The first level could be just like Pac-Man, but instead of the yellow Pac-man eating pills, it’s Axl Rose’s face, and the stage is called “How many prescription pills can you pop until your face is numb?” This game would come equipped with a multitude of mini games such as, “Guess which groupie is underage!” and “How much property damage can you do while drunk?”
Oh and of course there is a “Paternity suit bonus round!” where you have the lucky task of trying to figure out which of seven illegitimate babies is yours. Be on the look out for “Guitar Hero III: Liver Failure” at a local store near you in the distant future.
In other news, the ever shape-shifting Britney Spears has announced that her divorce to Kevin Federline, ahem, excuse me, “K-Fed”, has been finalized according to recent repots. While some may think that Mr. Federline will be making a pretty penny from the divorce, sources say that Ms. Spears entered the marriage with an “ironclad” pre-nuptial agreement. No real surprise there, and since it doesn’t look like Mr. Federline’s rap career will be taking off anytime soon, it is only a matter of time until he comes out with a tell all autobiography titled, “Hittin’ It One More Time - The K-Fed Story.” And that’s the waste of space that we call news, ladies and gents.
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