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 It’s late at night and you see your friend sitting in the lounge in Grace. Your first thought is “why are they studying out here?” So you go up to them and ask why they’re sitting out in the lounge. They look up, and with a sad puppy-dog look on their face they say “I’ve been sexiled.”
Now, you may be wondering, what exactly is “sexiled.” It’s a good question which has a very sexual answer, as the urban dictionary put it “to be banished from ones’ rooms that the room mate may engage in private sexual intercourse.” The example that is used with this definition surprisingly works well with this article. “Last night my room mate brought back some grotsky ho and I was sexiled to the student lounge.”
With that out of the way I present my case to the administration of this University in charge of building new dormitories on this campus. I must congratulate you when Monagan and Brookside were built with each student getting their own room which included their own door lock. A+ work! But nearly all the rooms on main campus (not including the Greeks) are doubles, which means any sexually active college students will sexile their room mate at least once a year.
But let me get to my point as one of my room mates experienced this past Halloween night. I live in the Townhouses and there are three guys to one apartment. We have 2 bedrooms, a single (which I got, whew) and a double which they got. My roommates are two foreign exchange graduate students from France. One is 24 while the other is 25. They share a room. We’re also all named Nick, I thank housing for this.
On this wonderful night at the end of October Nick thought it would be a great idea to sexile Nick. Of course we were all in a very drunken state of mind; it was my birthday mind you, so Nick got the bright idea to sleep in the bathroom instead of the couch downstairs. The next thing he knew, the door was being forcibly opened to which I then determined that he had been sexiled. The point I am getting to here is that these two foreigners have to “fight” for the room because they didn’t have the chance to live in a single.
Being sexiled is one of the worst feelings in the world. First, you’re not getting some that night (usually), second, you have no idea if your room mate is taking advantage of the situation and using your bed, and third when you finally get back in there it will smell of sex. If you don’t know what sex smells like, then you’re either a) too religious or b) you have yet to experience college to the fullest. Your time will come, keep faith young padawan.
Perhaps another reasoning as to why college students should have singles is the fact that if they are not getting any action and they are hot and horny right then and there, then self-pleasurement is the way to go. As we learned from Erin Birmingham’s article on the Female Orgasm, talking about masturbation is ok.
From statistics I obtained from a student who is best known by as his alias “god_bless_uop”, a sharer of vast quantities of pornographic material found that his highest dispersal times were 10 minutes after classes had started and Friday and Sunday Nights. He attributed this to that fact the “room mate had left the room for class and what better time to get their jollies off then to download some porn and do their business.” Upon last check, the upper classmen student population will know what I’m talking about.
What am I getting to with this article besides letting the world know that sex is rampant on college campus’s? Perhaps the idea that all college students who are sexually active should have their own room so they can do as they please without interrupting the lives of their peers.
I remember my freshman year when two band kids had sex like rabbits next to my friends’ room every night. Each night we’d be in his room watching TV and we would hear the bed squeak and hit the wall repeatedly. At this point in time, my friend would turn up his speakers and play “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” by Jock Jams. It puts you in that dancing mood, or the “not so turned on mood” when you know your neighbors can hear you going at it. At which point you’d hear the bed hit the wall harder and harder and then suddenly stop. “Seems like he won,” because sex is a race you know. He/She who finishes first gets to sleep first.
Lets look at the bright side however, if you have such a wonderful relationship with your room mate and you’re both geeky enough to not get any play then no worries, you won’t be sexiled. Or, you can be so oblivious to the entire thing and you won’t notice that your peers are being sexiled from their rooms. Just keep in mind, while we’re not UCSB, some students on this campus probably do have some STD’s, and it is in your best interest guys to wrap it up. 40 boxes of condoms can be purchased at Costco for like $10.
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