 Scientology and the Cruis’ification of Top Gun star Welcome back everyone, right around this time of year following break, most students are probably experiencing a number of mixed emotions. Don’t worry, it’s completely natural. See everyone with their fancy new longboards riding around campus? Yeah, that’s envy. Been waiting in long lines in the registrars office just so you can find out you can’t register because of a hold on your account? Yeah, definitely anger.
What about that strange feeling in your hands when you’re walking to class at 8 a.m. in the morning? Actually, I don’t believe that’s an emotion as much as it is the oncoming symptoms of frostbite. Bundle up people. I don’t want to look like the odd man out with all ten of my fingers while everyone else is walking around looking like their perpetually throwing up the shocker.
In other “shocking” news (see what I did there?), a 29 year old convicted sex offender tricked and conned his way into Imagine Elementary/Middle School which he attended for over six weeks in Rosefield, convincing all those around him that he was a 12-year-old boy named “Casey Price.” He apparently utilized stage makeup, shaved his entire body, and altered his voice to appear younger. Now, I must say, who was really stupid enough to fall for this? I mean…don’t you think that an adult with a fully functional brain would be able to tell the difference between a prepubescent middle schooler and uh, well I don’t know, a 29-year-old? Either every single person that he met was a complete idiot, or someone should hire him to be an international spy, because honestly if you can’t tell that there is something a little strange about a middle schooler standing over six feet tall, with a 5’o’clock shadow, and prison tattoos, then… I don’t know, you probably really suck at Where’s Waldo.
In other strange news, “Tom Cruise is the new ‘Christ’ of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion. The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been ‘chosen’ to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.” Really? Because the image of Jesus in an MIG jet flying into the danger zone, serenading girls with “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” is almost too much for me to bear. How does one follow scientology with a straight face? I mean, if you’re best analog to Christ is Tom Cruise, do you try to hide his films from future followers? I mean, I’d be pretty pissed if all of a sudden I found out that my savior was in movies where he was sliding around on a hardwood floor in his undies, socks, and sunglasses.
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