I was conversing with a buddy of mine the other day, and we came to the conclusion that taking girls to the movies is pretty great. I mean, yeah, you’re on a date, but what makes it really awesome is that having a date provides something that I refer to as a “movie enhancer.”

Think about it. When you’re alone watching a scary movie in the theatres and the music crescendos and then all of a sudden something jumps out from the dark, it’s pretty scary right? Now imagine if you were with a date, a.k.a “the movie enhancer,” watching the same movie. The moment the monster jumps out from the dark, your date suddenly grabs your arm tightly, jumps in their seat, and lets out an audible scream. This is infinitely more terrifying because you are basically experiencing surround sound terror, fully equipped with the physical action of someone grabbing you.

Don’t think this only applies to horror movies. Try taking your girlfriend out to a sappy movie, and see if it doesn’t have the same effect. When I was watching Pearl Harbor for instance, I found myself in the midst of a weepy tissue fest, all while thinking, “What the hell? This is just some pretty boy with his pretty boy friend fighting a bunch of ugly guys while trying to look pretty. This isn’t sad.” Then I looked over at my date only to realize that she was teary eyed over a bunch of pretty boys, which prompted the thought, “Well. I guess that’s kind of sad.” Truly, I was crying on the inside.

On the topic of movies, while watching superhero movies such as Spiderman, The Hulk, and Superman, I was thinking about how awesome it would be to have superpowers like them. I mean who hasn’t wished they had some sort of superpower? Then it dawned on me. There is one substance in the world that when consumed, gives its user a vast array of powers, and before you get too antsy, no, it isn’t radioactive waste.

It’s alcohol. Think about it, when you’re drinking heavily, you are blessed with such gifts as teleportation. Have you ever had this conversation? “Hey dude, I’m sooooo wasted, let’s go to the townhouses!” “But it’s so far!” All of a sudden, BAM, you’re in the B-section of the townhouses. Lord knows how you got there, but all you know is that all you had to do was think about where you wanted to go, then all of a sudden ended up there with no recollection of the walk or anything in between. Teleportation.

What about time travel? The moment you let that alcoholic nectar touch your lips, time decides to stop and go at its whim. Seconds can either seem like hours, hours seem like seconds, or if you’re really “gifted” then time may even seem to go backwards. The possibilities are really endless, just don’t try to emulate your favorite superhero. We all know someone who thought he was The Hulk, running around the dorm punching holes in the walls while screaming “HULK SMASH!” Although usually they’ll replace the Hulk part with their own name which probably is either Chris, Bill, or Ted. They seem like the wall breaking type.

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