 Roses are red, Violets are blue Well, it looks like I was right about something since apparently Cupid has come early this year in the form of a crazy, diaper-wearing, astronaut assassin. Honestly, I can’t say I would have ever envisioned those words appearing next to one another, outside the context of “words that should never appear next to one another.” In case you’re a little in the dark about this strange situation, astronaut Lisa Nowak was accused of attempted murder on Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, who was also in a relationship with Bill Oefelein, another fellow astronaut.
Miss Nowak, wearing diapers to avoid bathroom breaks during her drive from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida, to confront Colleen, was equipped with detailed maps of Colleen’s residence, the layout of the airport, and an escape route of sorts. Ah, young love. ‘Tis the season, isn’t it? After arriving in Orlando, Nowak, wearing a wig, trench coat, and sunglasses, approached Colleen as she entered her car and proceeded to pepper spray her as she cracked open the window. Police soon responded after Colleen quickly drove away, finding Miss Nowak carrying the following items inside a bag: a 4-inch blade, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, several large plastic garbage bags, and about $600 in cash. Some people may find this strange, but the times they are a changin’, and Cupid has got to keep up, right? I mean, bows and arrows are sooooo 8000 B.C.
When questioned about why Miss Nowak pepper sprayed Colleen, her response was, “I just wanted to talk.” Really? When I want to talk with someone, usually the conversation begins with a “hey, what’s up?” or a “what’s going on?” but maybe she’s on to something here. You know, it probably would have been much easier on her if she could have Facebook- stalked Colleen Shipman, constantly using that goddamned poke function to flirt with Bill only to discover through the news feed that he was now “in a relationship.” Then she could have angrily posted on his wall, posted a bitter note, and then in a sign of defiance, listed herself as “engaged to” one of her good female friends. It works for the rest of the crazies, why not her?
According to reports, Nowak told police that her relationship with fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein was “more than a working relationship and less than a romantic relationship.” What does this even mean? The only assumption I can make is that perhaps they engaged in some sort of crazy zero gravity space coitus, and he ignored her afterwards. Space friends with benefits maybe? It must be a downer when the only time you can get some ass is when you are orbiting in space, and even then you have to realize that you are only winning by default. I can only imagine Bill Oefelein’s thought process: “Hmm.. well I guess I’m in space. I can either enjoy my own private sexy time with the ever erotic images of....Earth. Great, way to forget to bring the Maxims. Or…I could hook up the crazy chick over there that’s looking at me funny.” It’s okay Bill. I forgive you. Remember, in space, no one can hear your sweaty, sweaty shame.
Oh those crazy kids with their overly romantic notions. What happened to the old days when kids bought flowers and took their loved ones out to dinner? Now they have these newfangled murder schemes with 20-inch blades and such, when Miss Nowak should have really just given Bill a card that said, “Roses are red, Violets are blue, We’ll be together, because I love you!...... and because I’m going to kill your girlfriend.” I think I saw it in a Hallmark store once, listed under “Scorned Lovers.” Anyways, remember that Valentine’s Day is less than a week away, and my offer from last week’s article still stands. So, who wants to be my Valentine?
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