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Fear and Loathing on a College Campus
Written by Mikey Vu
Friday, 02 March 2007
Petrificus Totalus
With the constant barrage of nature’s own form of lubricant lately, it is a distinct possibility that many people want to stay indoors instead of weathering the… well, weather. Instead, I offer to you some various other activities that you may engage in to enjoy this dreary weather while we still have it. Many of you are probably familiar with the slip n’ slides that plagued 90’s television commercials, with the bright, yellow, slippery plastic sheet that you would place over your lawn and attach a garden hose to. Now what I propose is setting up some slip n’ slide action on the side of the levee. Just take some garbage bags, lay them down the hill, run and slide! Even better is that you have the wonderfully clean Delta water to cushion your fall at the end. It’s just like the 90’s except with more Hepatitis.
Or if the idea of sliding down a muddy, rocky hill into diseased water isn’t your idea of a good time (and why wouldn’t it be?) you can always engage in the more modern version of puddle stomping that I have seen certain people engage in lately. It’s called, “Drive your car through puddles as fast as you can and see how many cars you can cover in water.” Or as I like to call it, “See how big of a douche bag you can be.” This wasn’t really supposed to be a joke, just stop soaking my car in muddy water you jackass.
During the painfully long Academy Awards earlier this week, many stars received awards that they rightfully deserved such as Martin Scorsese, and others were chastised some wearing horrifically ugly dresses, but the best part of the night was watching people get cut off by the orchestra during their acceptance speeches. If only this could be used in real life, things would just be so much simpler. Imagine having a full orchestra following you around everywhere, and as soon as someone starts talking to you about completely uninteresting things just cue the orchestra. Some creepy guy trying to make awkward small talk? Cue Beethoven’s 9th symphony. Some girl droning on about how absolutely fabbbbbbulous these new boots she bought at the mall were, even though they were slightly overpriced but she bought them anyway because they were “totalllllly worth it”? Play away orchestra! Play Mozart! Tchaikovsky! Hell, play the Saved by the Bell theme song if you want, just get this person to stop talking. The real life uses of a traveling orchestra would be innumerable.
For the uninformed out there, Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliffe has taken a role and will be performing on London’s stage next summer in a production of the Tony-Award winning drama Equus, in which he plays “a troubled young man with a religious-erotic obsession with horses.” The biggest draw of production is that long time obsessive fans will finally be able to Harry in all of his glory, wand and all. Oh how our little boy has grown up! Kids these days, am I right? One minute they’re battling evil parent murdering wizards, the next, recreational nudity with horses. They really grow up too quickly. At least in a few months, legions of girls around the world will finally be able to see if the broomstick he’s packing turns out to be a Firebolt or a Nimbus. Views: 222
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Next week's issue (Volume 100 issue 14) will be Pacifican's last issue for the Fall 2008 Semester!
Thank you for reading and have a wonderful holiday season.
Lifestyles 
Petrificus Totalus
