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Laughterhouse 5  In last week’s article, I commented on the various different types of people that fall asleep in class, from the head nodders, to the full on passing out sleepers. But what I realized as I sat in class today is that there are far more menacing and insidious characters to be on the look out for during class time.
Imagine, you have just gotten out of a meeting and had to run halfway across campus (the long way, mind you, since half of the school is under construction) and you barely make it to class in time, and plop into your seat. The teacher opens up her same bland PowerPoint presentation, with all the bells and whistles like the dissolving text and sound effects, yet something seems off. Your stomach begins to ache. It’s singing a four part harmony of hungry rumbles as you do your best to stifle what sounds like a large animal yawning from your tummy region. Too bad you didn’t have time to stop by the Summit. But then, in the midst of the cheesy powerpoint sounds and your stomachs symphony, a smell hits the air. What is it? The unmistakable scent of fried grease. Wait. Seasoned grease. Someone brought curly fries to class. You look around the room as the smell intoxicates your sense, your gaze hopping from student to student, until you spot him. “The Buffet Kid.” There he is, snacking away from his packaged Styrofoam lunchbox you got at the dining hall, dipping his curly fries in his ranch sauce. Not only that, he has actually brought a full buffet with him. He’s got some chicken noodle soup (with a soda on the side), some chicken legs, rib eye steak, a hot dog, some burger patties, two slices of congealed pizza, and a salad (you know, so he can be healthy.) You are almost surprised that he didn’t bring napkins. That is of course, until he busts out his napkin dispenser he stole from the dining hall. “The Buffet Kid.” The only reason you really hate him is because you didn’t think of it first. My most reviled person in class however, is not the “Buffet Kid” or one of the sleepers. No, because they didn’t really do anything wrong. My most hated person is “The Answer Jacker.” Without fail, there will always be someone in your class that will try to gain favor with the teacher by stealing other peoples’ answers. I’m not talking about plagiarism; I’m talking about what happens when the teacher asks the class a question. Usually one of two things will happen. One, someone may say an answer, yet the teacher will not hear or acknowledge the answer, to which the “Answer Jacker” will immediately repeat the answer and take all the credit for it. There’s not much you can do here short of calling the person a dick. If you’re lucky, he’ll repeat it out of habit. The second scenario happens when you whisper your answer to a friend or neighbor just to see if you are right, then said person will repeat your answer out loud. A good way to combat this is to first condition the “Answer Jacker” to always say your answ r after you have whispered it. Then, when the teacher asks another question such as, “What country had the most to lose in the War of 1812?” Whisper an answer that is on the surface somewhat plausible yet completely not at the same time such as, “Nazi Germany. That's teach 'em. For those who care, prolific writer, artist, and outspoken Humanist, Kurt Vonnegut passed away on April 11th. Because I feel he has so heavily influenced some of my writing styles, I must leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of his plays, Happy Birthday, Wanda June. “Don’t lecture me on race relations. I don’t have a molecule of prejudice. I’ve been in battle with every kind of man there is. I’ve been in bed with every kind of woman there is - from a Laplander to a Tierra del Fuegian. If I’d even been to the South Pole, there’d be a hell of a lot of penguins who looked like me.” Rest in Peace Mr. Vonnegut. Give ‘em hell.
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